What a Friend: Reclaiming True Friendship Found in Christ

When my freshmen year came to a close, I was fairly excited.  I had successfully finished my first year of high school, I had just turned fifteen, and I had a whole summer of fun ahead of me.  The first few weeks were great.  My days were full of piano practice, crafting, playing outside, and reading for hours on end, among other things.  However, after a couple weeks I realised that something didn’t feel right.  It wasn’t that I was bored; I had several enjoyable activities to fill my time.  Since I am a person who generally enjoys learning, at first I thought I missed my homework!  Part of my discontent could very well have been that I wanted the regular rhythms and structure that school brought, but looking back, I think it went much deeper.  I missed my friends.  For ten months straight, I had normally spent time with my friends for three or four days straight; in the summer our church schedules rarely lined up, and we didn’t consistently meet up during the week.  I longed for human connection, but more than that I wanted my people, the people I belonged to, my friends.  Why did I long for friendship so much?  What even is friendship?  Should we value it?

C.S. Lewis once said that “to the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue.  The modern world, in comparison, ignores it” (Lewis, 1960, p. 55).  People of ages past stressed friendship as one of the greatest joys and gifts in life.  In 44 BC, the famous Roman statesman and lawyer, Cicero, wrote a whole treatise on friendship called De Amicitia, or On Friendship.  He argued that “[w]ith the exception of wisdom… the immortal gods have given nothing better to humanity than friendship” (Cicero, ca. 44 BC).  St. Augustine of Hippo claimed that friendship was indispensable to human existence, writing, “In this world two things are essential: life and friendship” (Augustine).  In Colonial America, Esther Edwards Burr, one of Jonathan Edwards’ children, wrote passionately about friendship, saying that “Tis… a great mercy that we have any friends – What would this world be without ’em – A person who looks upon himself to be friendless must of all Cretures be missarable in this Life – [Friendship is] the Life of Life” (Taylor, 2013).  Scripture is also packed with incredible friendships, and the story and progression of the Bible is driven by these friendships.  David wouldn’t have survived King Saul’s murder attempts without Jonathan’s commitment to their friendship.  Without Ruth’s faithful love, Naomi arguably would have starved, and, perhaps more importantly, Obed, Jesse, and David wouldn’t have been born.  Even Jesus had deep friendships with his disciples that propelled His ministry on earth.  Additionally, Proverbs explodes with praise and advice for friendship, and many writers and theologians have claimed that this book is essentially “a treatise on friendship” (Black, 2007).

People throughout history have valued friendship as “the crown of life and the school of virtue,” but does the “modern world… [ignore] it” like C.S. Lewis claims? (Lewis, 1960).  On the surface, it may not seem this way.   However, many of us are tempted to buy into an attitude of apathy towards the people around us.  We have “friends” because we are always in agreement with each other, they are helpful in increasing our pleasure, or we are totally affirmed by them.  There is no commitment, no underlying bond of love, no sacrifice or intentionality.  This isn’t friendship.  This is some flimsy habit ready to come crashing down the moment trouble surfaces.  On a deeper level, the American Psychological Association found that in 2025, 50% or more of American adults feel isolated or without friendship.

Additionally, the way we spend our time reflects a disregard for friendship.  The Pew Research Center recently released a report on how Americans spend their time.  In a 24-hour period, Americans will spend an average of 2 hours doing housework, 8 hours sleeping, 6 hours working, 4 hours relaxing, 2.5 hours watching TV, 1 hour spending money, and only ½ hour socializing in any way.  Even our music and literature generally focuses on individual experiences and broken relationships.  Many of us have genuine friendships, but if we are truly honest with ourselves, we live a very lonely age.  Just a few decades ago, the majority of Americans would chat with their neighbors on the porch, have long phone calls, and actively engage in their communities.  Somehow we have distanced ourselves from this behavior in favor of idly watching relationships slip away from us.  We “connect” with our various disembodied contacts on a screen while missing true connection with the people all around us.  So many people go week after week feeling lonely, forgotten, and isolated from true, deep, and meaningful connections with other people.  Many may point to the prevalent attitude of individualism, the extended period of solitude during COVID-19 pandemic, or the isolating effects of social media and technology.  However, this may point to a deeper reality of shifting priorities and preferences.  We are continually trying to find our ultimate fulfillment and purpose in things like our careers, a greater material gain, and sexual relationships.  These parts of our lives aren’t necessarily evil, but giving too much of our lives to them will risk genuine relationships.  This shift in priorities is not harmless.  We are losing touch with one of the greatest gifts and joys of life.  Moreover, while we may not notice it at first, the lack of friendship will lead to physical, mental, and spiritual deterioration.

In life, it is generally desirable for any relationship to be built on some sort of love or affection.  But what even is “love?”  Your mind may go to your favorite romcom, memories of time with your family, or even Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13.  Love is a word so widely and ambiguously used in our culture that we often forget what we mean by it.  In the Greek language, there is rich vocabulary for the English words like “love,” “affection,” and “desire.”  However, there are four central Greek words for love that support rich, authentic, positive relationships.  Probably the most famous, agape describes an unconditional love, an undiscriminating charity towards all people.  This is the word that Paul uses when he describes love in 1 Corinthians.  Named after the Greek god of love, eros is a sensual, romantic attraction to the opposite sex.  This is very rarely explicitly used in Scripture and often describes adulterous and sexually broken behavior.  Storge is associated with the family and is a familiar, natural love.  This “brotherly affection” is encouraged throughout the New Testament within the body of Christ.  It is the word philios that is used to describe the kind of love involved in friendship.  While there is definitely overlap between meanings of these four words, certain relationships can be defined by these specific types of affection.

Friendship is unlike any other relationship because of philios love.  Familial love is driven by bonds of familiarity, biological ties, and commitment.  Romantic love is driven by a desire for and mutual devotion towards each other.  Other than perhaps agape, or unconditional love, which is arguably in a separate category of love, friendship is the only relationship that is deliberate, intentional, and selective.  C.S. Lewis summarizes this well when he writes that "[friendship] is arbitrary, a thing of choice. We are no way obliged to make any man a friend and we have no claim that any man should become ours. It is more nearly disinterest than any other love. Friends may be useful and may increase our happiness, but it’s impossible to make them our friends with this in view. In a word, it's ‘free’ and with this freedom goes a certain noble irresponsibility" (Lewis, 2017). The selective nature is also what sets friendship apart from relationships like companionship or acquaintanceship.  These relationships, which don’t necessarily involve love, are driven by courtesy, convenience, and shared social situations.  We don’t necessarily choose to spend time with these people, but for the sake of being at peace, benefiting from connections, or working toward a common goal, we are polite and even “friendly.”

Probably the most famous definition of friendship comes from C.S. Lewis in his book, The Four Loves.  Lewis writes that friendship is born when "two or more… companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too!  I thought I was the only one" (Lewis, 1960). The purpose of friendship is to move through life together on a trajectory toward a shared value or truth.  Friends learn together, dream together, debate together, and struggle through ideas together.  However, this isn’t the whole picture.  Two coworkers might have the same political or religious views, but does that make them friends?  Not necessarily.  Friendship begins with the discovery of a shared value, but is built upon and shaped by hours and hours of intentional relationship building.  Friendship is a commitment.  This is another reason why friendship is fundamentally different from companionship.  There is a unique kind of “presence” involved in friendship that takes it beyond making polite conversation with the people in your day-to-day life.  Proverbs 18:24 says that “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (ESV, 2016).  Friendship offers something that companionship, family, romance, and any other relationship can’t offer.  It is such a unique part of human life that cannot be replaced by anything else.

Friendship starts in the beginning.  The way we were created as humans reflects the image of a relational God.  God is relationship, and He is the greatest example of true friendship.  So really, friendship did not start in the beginning but before the beginning.  It has always existed and is an integral part of who God is.  Friendship is woven into the fabric of the universe and is imprinted on our hearts and minds.  The God of the Bible is not a unipersonal God.  He is a tripersonal God.  When Jesus was baptised by John the Baptist, Matthew writes that “as soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:16-17).  If Jesus’s claims throughout the New Testament are true, then He must be God.  But in this passage, the Spirit of God descends upon Jesus, and another voice speaks about His Son.  This is just one example of language about God that is used all over Scripture.  “The Lord our God… is one [God],” but also, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are three distinct persons, and that is important (Deut. 6:4).  These three distinct persons “know and love each other and have been doing that throughout eternity in which case you could actually say the triune God is a Friendship” (Keller, 2024).  Love and relationship are a core part of who God is.  This is crucial for us to understand because we were created in His image; we have the mark of our Creator on us.  When God created man, He said “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.”  This statement is loaded with meaning.  One important thing to note is that God again supports his three-ness by saying “let us create” rather than “I will create.”  Secondly, He made man in His own image.  This means that humans are uniquely designed to reflect the attributes and character of God.  If relationship is a core part of who God is, then man must be created to live in relationship with others and with God.  Furthermore, we find joy, peace, and fulfillment in being together in relationship with other image bearers because of this design.  Therefore, at its core, friendship is a beautiful reflection of who God is and His love for us.  It is built on the desire to grow together in some common truth, belief, or value.  Christianity, and indeed, God Himself, is the most meaningful foundation for friendship because He is the creator, sustainer, and greatest example of it.  Without friendship, our lives would be miserable, many times more difficult, and would not reflect the way God created us.  Friendship is one of the greatest but overlooked joys in life and should be pursued and valued.

The Roman statesman Cicero wrote in his treatise on friendship that “[w]ith the exception of wisdom, [he was] inclined to believe that the immortal gods have given nothing better to humanity than friendship” (Cicer, ca. 44 BC).  In spite of the fact that we may not agree with Cicero’s polytheistic view of the world, he makes an interesting point.  Friendship is valuable and good simply because it is a gift from God and because He created a desire in us for it.

When God created humans, He created them to be in his image.  Because God is a relational being, we know that we were created to reflect this relational aspect of God.  Humanity was created for friendship with God and with each other.  To be clear, “[a]s Christians, we know that quiet and solitude are good things… But we also know that God created us to be together… All manner of living things… reflect the Trinity’s joy in community. Human beings are meant to do that too” (Zylstra, 2025).  Because God designed us to have friends, so much of our joy and pleasure in life comes from this relationship.  To desire friendship is to be human.  After God created Adam, there was a problem: Adam was alone.  In the Genesis story, God acknowledged this saying that “‘it [was] not good…” (Gen. 2:18).  So, God showed “every beast of the field and every bird of the heaves” to Adam “to see what he would call them” (Gen. 2:19).  Nevertheless, out of all the creatures God had created, “there was not found a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:20).”  Horses, rabbits, cats, even “man’s best friend” could not satisfy Adam’s desire for a fellow image-bearer.  God’s solution to the problem of Adam’s aloneness was Eve.  Because Eve also bore the image of God, Adam could finally say “‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’” (Gen. 2:23). On a larger scale, “It is not good that man[kind] should be alone,” and one of the relationships God fills this gap is friendship.  We don’t necessarily long for friendship because we are imperfect; we long for friendship because that’s the way we were wired as human beings bearing the image of a relational God.  We cannot enjoy our lives, even in Paradise, without friendship.  Drew Hunter puts it this way: “If we remove friendship from the world, half our joy goes right out with it.  This is because friendship is the ultimate end of our existence and our highest source of happiness.  Friendship - with one another and with God - is the supreme pleasure of life, both now and forever, and no one can fully enjoy life without it” (Hunter, 2018, p. 19).  Friendship is important and valuable because it is one of the ways that we enjoy life and creation and because it is one of the ways we enjoy our Creator.

Another reason why friendship is valuable is because without it, we are not prepared to face the world.  In an introduction to Cicero’s De Amicitia, Andrew Peabody wrote that “man shrinks from solitude. He feels inadequate to bear the burdens, meet the trials, and wage the conflicts of this mortal life, alone” (Peabody, 1887).  Friends choose to stick with us when life gets hard.  They are the people sharing our griefs, building us up, and fighting our battles with us.  Not only this, but we would do the same for them.  Friends stick with each other, bear each other’s burdens, and share each other’s griefs.  In order to lead full, wise, abundant lives, we need this desperately.  Proverbs 18:1 tells us that “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”  God tells us that whoever shuts out the strength, encouragement, wisdom, and comfort that comes with having great friendships literally goes against the flow of reason.  We need other people in life, and friendship is valuable because it supports us in this way.

As stated in a previous point, friendship is built upon a shared belief or value.  Because of this, true friends will sharpen each other in these shared beliefs and values.  For example, if both my friend and I believe that the earth is round, we will be more convinced in this belief simply because someone else believes it.  Furthermore, if I were to suddenly start doubting this belief, my friend would help me stay on track with the truth.  In doing so, I would regain my faith in the roundness of the earth, and my friend would likely end up more confident in her beliefs.  1 Corinthians 15:33 tells us that “bad company ruins good morals,” and it would follow that good company builds good morals.”  Our true friends have a significant impact on the way our thoughts and lives are molded.  When we choose to be friends with someone, we give them influence over our lives in this way.  So friendship is valuable because when we pick good friends, they will sharpen our morals.  This aspect of friendship is especially valuable as Christians.  Imagine for a moment living in a country where Christians are physically persecuted for their beliefs.  If we were all alone, how easy would it be to abandon our faith, convictions, and persistence in the truth of the Gospel?  If we were together, we would still suffer, and many of us might die, but through friendship it would be that much harder for us to abandon the truth.  One could say that as “iron sharpens iron, [so] one [friend] sharpens another” (Pro. 27:17).

Because friendship is fundamentally connected to who we are as humans, we suffer without it.  Without friendship, we are not equipped to face the world.  In fact, there can be serious negative effects to a person’s health without friendship.  Being friendless can infect you with loneliness, and loneliness is like a disease that harms you in very tangible ways.  A study by Cigna supports this as it found that “loneliness actually has the same effect on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, which makes it even more dangerous than obesity...” (O’Donnell, 2018).  Another study by Plos Medicine says that “across 148 studies (308,849 participants)... [there is] a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships. This finding remained consistent across age, sex, initial health status, cause of death, and follow-up period” (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).  When we experience extended periods of loneliness, the sympathetic division of our nervous system and the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis of our endocrine system is activated.  This sends your body into a perpetual fight or flight mode, increasing the secretion of hormones like cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine.  These hormones do things like increasing your heart rate, increasing blood sugar, decreasing blood flow to your digestive system, and increasing blood flow to your muscles.  In other words, our bodies react as if we are facing a threat to our very life.  In the long run, this not only decreases our longevity, but it also puts us at risk of “heart disease and stroke, type 2 diabetes, depression and anxiety, suicidality and self-harm, [and] dementia” (2024).  To be clear, loneliness is not necessarily caused by being physically alone.  In medical terms, loneliness is a very subjective experience that can be felt when we’re literally alone, or when we feel unloved or like we don’t belong .  Friendship is a huge way that this gap or sense of disconnection can be filled.  Contrary to companionship, friendship is built on the idea that one person is chosen by, belongs with, and is deeply loved by another person.

Our culture has almost completely lost the skill of making and keeping friendships.  Gen-Z’s social skills and ability to read social cues is rapidly deteriorating.  In one study, “sixty-two percent of teachers, principals, and district leaders said… that the average student’s ability to make and maintain eye contact has gotten worse compared with 10 years ago” (Prothero, 2024).  Additionally, one psychologist at Stanford writes that “we can one-click order meals and nearly any product, practice yoga on YouTube, and even pray through an app. Communal activities don’t have to be done in community, so we stay home” (Zaki, 2025).  One problem that presents a major roadblock is technology.  Instead of investing in friendship, we try to replace it with screens, but because technology is superficial, our relationships lack authenticity and depth.  With the explosion of new devices, the rise of social media platforms, and the creation of artificial intelligence, our culture chooses to spend more time invested in “doom scrolling” rather than engaging with other people.  While the devices themselves might not destroy friendship, time spent consuming media takes away time for meaningful connection and infects us with the desire for customizable friendships.  Things like social media, AI chatbots, and visual reality allow people to filter their lives; why bother with the heartbreak involved in real friendships when you can have virtual ones fully curated to your preferences all from the ease of your couch?  Add to that the fact that many young people would rather not have to read social cues, make eye contact, or go out to shop for their daily needs, and we have a society wandering in a relational wasteland.

Additionally, the way we use the words “friend” and “friendship” has weakened our view of this relationship.  As a culture, "..[W]e’ve hollowed out and trivialized friend and friendship…  When we honor our closest relationships, we’re quicker to grab familial language like brother and sister than friend.  I just heard someone say to a tight-knit group of Christians, ‘We’re not just friends; we’re family.’ That’s true, and the Bible does reference family more than friends; but why the just?  Friendship didn’t seem strong enough to uphold the weight of the moment…. [the word friend] is charming, but not compelling" (Hunter, 2018, p. 25). Because we use the word “friend” for nearly everyone we get along with, we have invented words like “homie” or “buddy” to signify a close attachment instead of putting more weight in the word “friend.”  To be fair, the unhelpful usage of these words are not necessarily wrong, but it is a signpost of how our culture chooses to think about friendship.  Perhaps on a more significant level, our treatment of words like “friendship” can affect the way that we act upon them.

Another reason why our society lacks friendship is simply because it is avoidable.  In a world where work, sleep, education, and so many other needful things vie for our time, friendship suffers.  It is such an intentional, deliberate love that a person must put a significant amount of time and energy into the relationship in order for it to survive.  When the dishes are piling and deadlines draw near, friendship is the one of the first things to be forgotten.  This is partially due to the constraints of time.  There are only so many things a person can do within a lifespan, and our priorities are no longer focused on spending time with our friends.

We live in a world that has tried to minimize pain, suffering, and even inconvenience as much as possible by whatever means necessary.  Friendship, and indeed, any love, will inevitably make us vulnerable to hurt, betrayal, brokenness, and discomfort, so some choose to avoid it altogether.  This is a huge mistake.  C. S. Lewis supports this in his book, The Four Loves, when he writes, "Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries… lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness…. [Your heart] will not be broken; it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…. [but] the only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" (Lewis, 1960, p. 49). Friendship is inconvenient at the very least.  If you invest in it, your heart will break.  In spite of this, the unexplainable joy that friendship inevitably brings will be worth both the risk and reality of heartbreak every time.  Furthermore, if we willingly and intentionally refuse to love others, we sentence ourselves to a life of misery and despair.

However, the very root of our problem is not technology or discomfort or semantics, although those things have certainly exacerbated and added to our problem.  Our most serious roadblock to meaningful friendship is sin.  All “sin is antisocial” (Hunter, 2018, p. 30).  Pride says that I can do life by myself; I don’t need God, and I certainly don’t need other people.  Anger says that other people don’t deserve my love, and they don’t deserve grace or forgiveness.  Selfishness says that my desires are more important than the desires and needs of the people around me.  Sloth says that I don’t have to be earnest or committed in my love towards others; my friends aren’t worth my effort.  Sin turns us inward so that we place our highest values on what we want and how we feel, which is deadly to any relationship.  When God created us, He created us in His image.  Because God is a relational God, He created us to be in relationship with Him and with each other.  When we rejected God’s design, we rejected His design for friendship with God and man.  Sin breaks our relationship with God, others, ourselves, and all of creation.

Friendship is valuable and good for all people, forever.  However, “...Christians have a deeper warrant for this kind of praise; friendship is the meaning of the universe.  We aren’t just made for friendship with each other; we are made for friendship with God” (Hunter, 2018, p. 22).  People will fail us.  All of our friends will at some point leave us behind, let us down, or break our hearts.  But as Christians, we know that the one Person who will never truly let us down is Christ.  When we are in Christ, we can never truly be unloved, alone, forgotten, or isolated.  In both Deuteronomy and Hebrews, God makes the promise that “[H]e will never leave [us] nor forsake [us].”  Additionally Scripture is filled with examples of people running to God when life brought them troubles.  Who did David call upon when he faced Goliath?  Who did Jarius go to when his daughter was dying?  Who did Mary trust in when she was told she would be a pregnant virgin?  The Bible constantly uses language and examples like this that suggests a deep, genuine friendship between God and His children.

In one of his sermons, Charles Spurgeon said that “he who would be happy here must have friends; and he who would be happy hereafter, must, above all things, find a friend in the world to come, in the person of God” (Spurgeon, 1857).  Interestingly enough, this goes directly against what Aristotle believed about friendship.  Aristotle - an “Ancient” who held friendship in highest regard as a great virtue - believed that man could not achieve friendship with a deity because we do not have enough in common with him.  After all, if friendship is based on a shared value or experience, how could man possibly be able to relate to a god?  The problem with this reasoning is that Aristotle’s gods are not at all like the God we serve. In their beginnings, Uranus, Kronos, Zeus, and the like were unipersonal deities.  Because of this, power was the main part of who they were as a person.  It was only after they created other beings were they able to love.  Additionally, the kind of love they indulged in was usually lustful or egocentric.  The God of the Bible, while He is one God, is also three distinct persons.  This means that love is an essential part of who God is.  “God is love,” and therefore relationship is a core part of who God is.  Likewise, we have something in common with our God, “[f]or we do not have [an advocate] who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Heb. 4:15).  Through Jesus, God was made one of us and lived the same things that we have experienced.  He is intimately acquainted with our humanness, and He understands our deepest needs, weaknesses, fears, sufferings, and anxieties.  Jesus became like us so that we could be called “friend” by God.  Beyond this, however, is the fact that “the cross was not only the greatest demonstration of love but also a cosmic act of friendship” (Hunter, 2018, pp. 22-23).  At the last supper, Jesus instructed His disciples, "Love one another as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command you.  No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide…." (Jhn. 15:12-16). Through Jesus’s example of unconditional, sacrificial agape love on the cross, we have the opportunity to be friends with God because “[friendship] is the meaning of the cross.  It is one way in which he wants us to view our relationship with him” (Hunter, 2018, p. 23).  If we are in Christ, we have the best Friend. Though we were once enemies with God, He chose to pursue us so that we could pursue Him in an intimate, loving relationship.  So, it is indeed true that “he who would be happy hereafter, must, above all things, find a friend in the world to come, in the person of God” (Spurgeon, 1857).

Because Jesus is the greatest example of what a true friend looks like, it naturally follows that He is the most sure foundation for friendship.  This is because friendship is about God.  When God created man in His image, He created us to be in relationship with Him and each other because He is a God of love and relationship.  True friendship with Jesus will lead to genuine friendships in our life on earth, because Jesus’s friends will follow His commandment to love each other in the same way He loved us.  Christ satisfies our longing for deep, genuine, and lasting friendship.  We not only have a relationship with the God who was willing to die so that we would be reunited with Him, but we also have a huge community found in His Church.  The Church is an enormous opportunity for friendships.  Not everyone in church will become friends with each other, nor is that the goal of church.  But when two or more Christians connect over their shared faith, their relationship will be far richer and more significant than if it were based on another common value or belief.  Because “faith and relationship with God is so deeply rooted in the human heart - much more than an affinity for any… earthly experience - …when it is the cord that binds two hearts together, that cord is made of a heavenly fabric that makes the [friendship] stronger and more meaningful on both sides of heaven” (Morgan, 2026)

Christianity gives us the most robust foundation for forming lasting friendships.  The Bible is very clear about the reality that Christians will face hardship and that God is in control of everything.  The Bible also tells Christians that we shouldn’t fear anyone but God, to pray for the people who persecute us, to reject the way that the world lives, to honor others, and to forgive people who sin against us.  God gives us a framework for being humble, gracious, loyal, persevering, and radically different from the world around us.  Additionally, part of being a Christian is allowing Jesus Christ to continually transform every part of our lives to look more like His, including our relationships.  This gives Christians a unique ability to be remarkably compassionate and committed towards people who fail.  The characteristics of a Christian will support a friendship because Jesus is our best example of friendship.  When two Christians become friends, they are both focused on a common goal: following Jesus in all areas of life. "Before [they’ve] ever even met, [they’re] united together in Christ and destined for eternal fellowship.  Differences in denominations, politics, hobbies, and communication styles all become secondary; passive aggressive remarks, shocking betrayals, and broken promises all become forgivable; the most annoying, boring, and untalented become those who you’re committed to encourage and love. In the church, compatibility is not a prerequisite to friendship. It’s the product of it" (Senthil, 2025).

If friendship is truly worthwhile, how do we get good friends?  In a culture that widely ignores or doesn’t know how to support friendship, how are we supposed to cultivate it?  First, we need to understand what friendship truly is.  In a world that overemphasizes romantic love and is confused by companionship, we must have a clear understanding of friendship in order to find it.  Also, we need to value friendship and take it seriously.  Knowing the definition of friendship is important, but in order to act on it with desire and confidence, we must value it.  Another way to get good friends is simply to be a good friend.  One practical step in cultivating ourselves as friends, and people in general, is growing in the ability to listen well.  Good friends ask engaging questions that show genuine interest in who the person is, and then they actively listen to what that person has to say.  Another part of becoming a true friend to others is being willing to commit our time and energy to the people around us.  Friendship is a relationship that cannot be built on the occasional text or hallway chatter.  This means that sometimes we might have to sacrifice getting all our household chores done in order to participate in a church event.  Committing time to friendship also means that we should be consistent with and faithful to the people we have.  This could look like setting regular rhythms of connection: meeting for coffee, calling each other every week, hosting a regular Bible study, or participating in these activities.  However, one of the biggest steps in growing as a friend to others is learning to love deeply; if we want to know what it means to be a true friend, we must learn to love like God.  1 Corinthians 13 outlines this, saying that true “love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:4-7).  True friends live a life of humility, faithfulness, and grace that overflows into their relationships.

Truly, in order to have good friendships, we must lean into our relationship with Christ, or accept Him as your Savior and best Friend today.  The first step to healing our relationships or cultivating new ones is getting right with God.  When Jesus redeems our life, He changes and restores our relationship with Himself and our relationships with others.  Because our God is the most sure foundation for friendship, it naturally follows that we must be in tune with God and His Word in order to have genuine, deep, and lasting friendships.  For Christians, the Church should be the first place we look to form true friendships.  There is no other place where one similarity knits us so tightly together that other differences are of no eternal significance.

True friendship is incredibly rare.  The chances that two or more people happen to realise that they have a shared belief, choose to love each other richly, and have the time to know each other on a deep, significant level is very low.  True friendship is also hard.  Because of humanity’s fallen nature, relationships will always be painful, heart-breaking, and inconvenient.  Nevertheless, friendship holds a significant, irreplaceable, and infinite value.  The joys and blessings that come with friendship far outweigh any burden or pain.  Because friendship reflects God's design for our lives, it will bring us true and ultimate fulfillment.  Indeed, trying to build a meaningful life without friends is practically impossible.  If I tried to look back on what my life would have been like without the constant encouragement, accountability, care, and faithfulness of my friends, I know that my world would have been a much more sorrowful place.  But if I’m being honest, trying to understand friendship not only leads to gratitude for the friends that I have, but it also makes me experience some amount of guilt.  I can recall so many instances in which I have not been a good friend to the people around me.  I have acted selfishly, impatiently, and without the love that I claimed I had for my friends.  However, this has driven me to several responses: I have started to value friendship more deeply than before, and I have started to be more intentional with the time that I have with my friends in hopes of becoming a better one.

I want to pursue, recommit to, and reflect God through friendships.  More than that, however, I want to have a rich, meaningful, and lasting friendship with Jesus Christ.  Joseph M. Scriven was a man who lived a life full of pain and discomfort.  His poor health kept him from his dream of being in the army, his first fiancee died in a drowning accident, and his second fiancee died of sickness.  He often could not support himself financially, and the majority of his neighbors shunned him.  In spite of the fact that Scriven’s life was filled with grief and hardship, he was able to write the words, "What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer! …Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?  Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer!" (Scriven, 1855). Whether we have earthly pleasures in abundance or none at all, we can have joy.  If our lives are hidden with Christ, we will always have a Friend in Him.

References

Anderson, A. (2025). Biblical friendship.

APA poll reveals a nation suffering from stress of societal division, loneliness. (2025, November 6).  American Psychological Association. www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2025/11/nation- suffering-division-loneliness.

Augustine. Augustine on friendship. Augnet. augnet.org/en/works-of-augustine/his-ideas/2311- augustine-on-friendship/.

Bhattacherjee, Urn. (2026, Feburary 20). What are the four main Greek concepts of love? Britannica. www.britannica.com/topic/What-Are-the-Four-Main-Greek-Concepts-of-Love.

Black, H.  (2007, March 20). Friendship.  The Gutenberg Project. www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/ 20861/pg20861-images.html.

Brisley, W. (2025, September 10). Male friendship is declining. Wives can help. The Gospel Coalition. www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/male-friendship-declining-wives-help/.

Buffo, Jacquelyn. Loneliness and addiction: Is there a link? AmericanAddictionCenters. (Updated: 2024, November 11). americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/loneliness-and-addiction.

Cicero, M. (ca. 44 BC). De amicitia.

Doctor, C. (2025, July 5). Want to grow in wisdom? You need gospel friends. The Gospel Coalition. www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/grow-wisdom-gospel-friends/.

Freeman, P. (2018, October 9). How to be a good friend, according to an ancient philosopher. Time.

The Greek New Testament. Blue Letter Bible. www.blueletterbible.org/mgnt/mat/1/1/s_930001.

Health effects of social isolation and loneliness. (2024, May 15).  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/social-connectedness/risk-factors/index.html.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T.B., Layton, J.B. (2010, July 27). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. Plos Medicine. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316.

Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2016). Crossway.

Hunter, D. (2018). Made for friendship: The relationship that halves our sorrows and doubles our joys. Crossway.

Hurst, K., Zanetti, N., Mandapat, J. C. & Nadeem, R. (2026, March 17). How do U.S. men and women spend their time? Pew Research Center. www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/feature/how-do-u-s- men-and-women-spend-their-time/.

How has marriage in the US changed over time? (2025, February 11).  USAFacts. usafacts.org/articles/ state-relationships-marriages-and-living-alone-us/.

Jensen, E. (2022, January 4). Our friends shape us more than we think. The Gospel Coalition. www.the gospelcoalition.org/article/friends-shape/.

Keller, T. (2016, October 21). Friendship [Sermon]. Gospel in Life. youtu.be/8Tc4VIQrXdE?si=CwB38Z k2LWFM3pCX.

Keller, T. (2022, August 3). Spiritual friendship [Sermon]. Gospel in Life. https://youtu.be/i9iUYsQuY3 w?si=eLOkgjTBONXT4FMs.

Keller, T. (2024, September 24). Why Aristotle was wrong: Friendship with God is possible [Sermon]. Gospel in Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeD0b4o9w-4.

Lewis, C.S. (2017, August 1). The four loves ('Philia' or 'Friendship') [Radio Broadcast]. Youtube. C.S. Lewis Doodle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hM4izbColg.

Lewis, C. S. (1960, March 28). The Four Loves. Geoffrey Bles.

Linneman, J. (2022, January 10). How COVID has affected our friendships – And what to do about it. The Gospel Coalition. www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/covid-affected-friendships/.

Morgan, A. (2026). Personal interview.

O’Donnell, J., Rudavsky, S. (2018, May 1). Young Americans are the loneliest, surprising study from Cigna shows. USA Today. www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/05/01/loneliness-poor- health-reported-far-more-among-young-people-than-even-those-over-72/559961002/.

Peabody, A. P. (1887). On friendship (de amicitia) [Introduction]. Boston: Little, Brown, and Co. oll.libertyfund.org/titles/cicero-on-friendship-de-amicitia.

Prothero, Ariaana. (2024, August 16). Kids are getting worse at making eye contact. Here’s why. EducationWeek. www.edweek.org/leadership/kids-are-getting-worse-at-making-eye- contact-heres-why/2024/08.

Queen, J. (2025). Dusty bibles [Song]. Mt.Zion [Album]. Capitol Christian Music Group, F&L Music Group, Josiah Queen Music.

Scriven, J. (1855). What a Friend We Have in Jesus [Song]. hymnary.org/text/what_a_friend_we_have_ in_jesus_all_our_s.

Senthil, N. (2025, May 13). ‘AI companions’ and the Christian doctrine of friendship. The Gospel Coalition. www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/ai-companions-doctrine-friendship/.

Septuagint Greek Old Testament.  Blue Letter Bible. https://www.blueletterbible.org/lxx/gen/1/1/s_1001.

Spurgeon, C. H. (1857). A faithful friend [Sermon]. The Spurgeon Center. www.spurgeon.org/ resource-library/sermons/a-faithful-friend/#flipbook/.

Taylor, J. (2013, June 18). Five lessons on friendship from Esther Edwards Burr. The Gospel Coalition. www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justin-taylor/fiv-lessons-on-friendship-from- esther-edwards-burr/.

[What Would You Say?]. (2024, May 10). Do I really need to go to church? [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHOfQHtOcD0.

Yale, K. (2015, June 22). Endocrine System, Part 1 - Glands & Hormones [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWHH9je2zG4.

Zaki, J. (2025, March 20). Why is social connection so hard for Gen Z? StanfordReport. news. stanford.edu/stories/2025/03/social-connections-gen-z-research-jamil-zaki.

Zylstra, S. E. (2025, January 29).  How to make friends in college (or anywhere). The Gospel Coalition. www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/make-friends-college-anywhere/.